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Another set of blue eyes meet mine across the empty bar.

Of course he knew where to find me. His are wide and questioning, mine are dark, set and defiant, I know. I won’t be talked at by a kid. Not about this; it’s out of his depth. Out of mine too, but I’m not going to admit anything -won’t let anything slip again.

It’s not that I don’t care for the kid, I really do, it’s just…
I won’t talk about it to anyone. Not this. And he mistakes my behaviour for coldness, but its not. Maybe it isn’t just that I won’t tell him. I – I can’t. I’m not ready to tell anyone, not even myself. Because to be honest, I don’t know how to answer his question. I don’t have the answer he wants; I don’t have an answer at all.

He asks again.
“Why won’t you stay?”

I turn away from him slightly, masking my cowardice by pretending to ponder his endless questioning. I really am a coward. I can’t even face a child’s simple question, let alone do anything to protect those I care most about. I am… I am nothing. I lost everything once, and I can’t risk losing this - my second chance. I don’t know why the others put up with me;

I’m nothing but a burden to them. An intruder who lost his own family so was tagged onto theirs. I spent so long playing pretend and ‘happy families’ that I ran out of lies to hide behind. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here at all and they know it and I know it so why is this kid still standing here trying to persuade me to follow some pipe-dream that won’t happen anyway…

I freeze in my frantic thoughts as the light weight of a hand on my shoulder rouses me from my mind. I look at him and he holds my gaze.
“Please, just come back. We all miss you at home, Dad. Come home. Please.”

Then he leaves.

I don’t notice I’m crying until I see the glistening droplets pooling on the bar counter. I only started living when I realised I had something to live for.