ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½

Ey oop ducks,
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Well I tuned in to Bellamy's People last night and there we were again! The babes! We set up a stall at the Festival of Soul, Spirit, Mind, Body and Enlightenment in Kidderminster where they let all sorts of weirdos waffle on about God. Trish and me had never been to Kidderminster before and we were dead impressed. It's big on carpets is the town and Trish and me spent many a happy hour looking at all the rugs in the windows. Who knew you could get that many types? Bernard and me have got the loveliest shag (tee hee!) avocado carpet in our bathroom. It soaks everything up.

Gary was lovely as ever - he even joined his own fan club! We managed to get three more members that day so our coffers are now full to bursting. It costs £2.99 to join and for that you get a Gary mug, some stickers, a Gary fact sheet and a lock of Gary's hair. Talking of Gary's hair we've been running low on stocks but I did manage to snip off a bit when he had his back turned.

We had a right laff with the Deity Bellamy (aka Gary) and he even posed for a piccie with our Bernard pretending to bum him up the bum. We've got that photo on our bedroom wall and it's the first thing I see when I open my eyes of a morning. It always puts me in a good mood even if Bernard's been snoring all night and I've had no kip. The two men I love best in the world (well, one slightly more than the other - Gary!) in a beautiful intimate moment.

As well as meeting Gary again we shifted a lot of merchandise that day. By the way, the T-Shirts are selling like hot cakes so if you still want to buy one get in there quick. They come in L, XL and XXL. We don't do small sizes. Babes comes in big packages - tee hee! And in answer to the big question "Is there a God?" Too right there is. It's Gary Bellamy!
Ìý
The Making of Bellamy's People of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: Episode Six

Bellamy's People is on Thursdays at 10pm on ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Two. Read more from superfan Patricia, BP's director Ben, and Gary himself here on the blog.

And The Winner Is... starts this Thursday at 10pm on ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Radio 2.

NEWS FLASH!!!

I sent Gary a hot pot in the post. I reckon it must be hard work being The World's Sexiest Man (as voted by me! Tee hee!) plus all that filming must take it out of him. He could do with a good meal. I wrote "This Way Up" on the box so I hope Mr Postie doesn't spill any.

Did you enjoy it Gary? Let us know. I do a mean meatloaf and a cheese souffle if you fancy it - although I must admit that doesn't travel so well. I once sent one to Steve Rider. I had a lovely letter from his management which said thank you very much but Steve is actually allergic to cheese. Who knew?

Bernard framed the letter and stuck up in the downstairs toilet next to a picture of our dog dead dog Alan. Alan was killed by a milk float. He never was a very quick dog. He was a cross between a St Bernard and a terrier. God only knows how they romanced the night away but then again Bernard is a very large man and I have a very small pelvis and we managed it.

Anyhoooo, I'm in the process of setting up a website in memory of Alan as I've never met a dog that was more like a human. He used to love watching snooker and his favourite thing was listening to my cassette of James Galway. I'm hoping to get a letter from Gary one day which will go up on the other side of Alan. How lovely would that look? I was thinking of putting a photo of Gary up on our toilet wall but then I thought, do I really want Gary looking at me with those come to bed eyes when I'm doing me business? So I took it down and put up one of John Nettles instead. I've always found his face to have a laxative effect! Don't ask me why. Just writing his name down makes want to go.

The Making of Bellamy's People of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: Episode Five

Bellamy's People is on Thursdays at 10pm on ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Two. Read more from superfan Patricia, BP's director Ben, and Gary himself here on the blog.

Writes:
My name is Tim Key. I'm 33. When I leave my flat (in Limehouse, London), I wear jeans. I've also got a bunch of jumpers and other clothes. Recently I watched the film Requiem For A Dream. It really shook me up and made me consider my own lifestyle. I have started training for the marathon.

This is the final episode of the modest internet hit No More Women. It's the "decider". Me and (a skinny Bristolian I picked up in 2001) were locked at 3:3 coming into this and whoever won would "take all". It was the most pressure I think I've ever felt. And he was in my head, too. Before the game he kept looking at me. And whenever I looked back at him he'd look at the floor or wink. Usually I'm mentally quite tough, but that sort of shit is difficult to bear.

We played in the Blue Peter garden (which was alledgedly vandalised by a footballer in the eighties) and we played in the snow. And it was these hostile conditions that eventually proved my undoing.

I lived in Russia when I was in my twenties. I lived in a place called St Petersburg (their version of Manchester, I suppose) and in the winter the snow descended and everything became impossible. It was survival of the fittest. You had to drink to survive etc. Ultimately I fled back to Sheffield to warm up and enjoyed Sheffield's vibrant lifestyle and affable townsfolk.

Mark's a good player (of No More Women). A very good player (of ). And he could see I was struggling with the conditions. He just stayed solid, saying things like Brian Blessed and Ivan Lendl. My game was falling apart amongst the frozen flowerbeds. Alex Horne was there, waggling his camera and smirking. I started making mistakes. At one point I went for Dot Cotton - stupid - and pulled out in the nick of time. And Horne watching on. And Mark pecking away, saying things like Rick Astley. And the snow.

People will point to a tactical error I made at the end. I did lose my concentration, it's true and I did take myself somewhere I possibly shouldn't have done. But in truth, at this stage the damage had been done. I lost that game overnight, when the snow fell. I was never going to come back from that. And Mark knew that.
Ìý

Key is currently is asking the questions in the final episode of We Need Answers this week (ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½4) alongside Mark Watson and Alex Horne. In between this he is licking (amongst other things) his wounds and performing at The Arts Theatre, London in Party and The Slutcracker. He's handsome. Find out more at www.timkey.co.uk.

Welcome to Steve and Jenny's Baby Diary. Here you can get information on foetal development, pregnancy and Christian ethics.

The Essex Christian described it as "a candid glance at Christian pregnancy".Ìý
We'd be happy to make contact with any Christian couples, especially people who are interested in child-rearing in the Essex area.

We are also keen to share all the information about our unborn child with people we know who aren't around, for example Rod and Harriet out there doing mission work in Iraq. Get in touch, you guys! It's been ages! We don't know what's happened to you!

Here's a look at how things were back in Week 10:

There will be another entry in Steve and Jenny's Baby Diary next week.

Steve and Jenny's Baby Diary is written by Emily Watson Howes.
Illustrations by .

It's not live. There's no murder. It's not EastEnders. It's Spendingtons.

Featuring ex-cast members from the mighty ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ One soap, (which is celebrating 25 years of being on TV), this drama is based around a discount supermarket.


Jessie Wallace (Kat Slater) and Shaun Williamson (Barry Evans and star of Ricky Gervais' 'Extras') are two faces you'll recognise, but what characters do they play in Spendingtons?

Ms Marsh

Money. Power. Own Brand Gin. Ms Marsh is the manager of Spendington's Supermarket, Walford. She was once the golden girl of the firm - Till Attendant of The Year 1992, 1993; Deli Counter "Golden Hairnet" Winner 1996, 1997, 1998 - but somewhere things went badly wrong. Is she heartbroken? Is she just drunk? Perhaps both.

Harry

A Man Without Meat Is Just A Pile Of Bones. The Master of the Meat Counter, Butcher Harry is fiercely committed to Spendington's, to his friends, and most of all to meat. Harry is willing to do anything for his meat counter.

Other notable characters include:

Lucy

An Angel With A Pricing Gun. Beautiful, sensitive, with grade two piano, Lucy is a little ray of sunshine at Spendington's. She needs a job to support her father and his sick hamster, and is desperate to be a part of the Spendington's family.

Dean


Sometimes A Hero Has Fairly Bad Skin. Dean, a shelfstacker, couldn't have cared less about the shop before Lucy showed up looking for a job. Now he's determined to turn things around, and save Spendington's from its doom.

More ex-Enders on the Web

Another web comedy we've discovered featuring an ex-EastEnders cast member is which is based around none other than Beppe (Michael Greco).
.

The lovely and delightful has a brand new radio series starting this evening on Radio 4 at 11pm called Sarah Millican's Support Group.

Here's a few words from the lady herself:

"Hello I'm Sarah Millican. My new series for the wireless, Sarah Millican's Support Group, is starting on Radio 4 and we're inviting you to join us. We all have problems. Sometimes you just need cream from the chemist. Sometimes you need advice. For the latter come to us. For the former, you're on your own.

There's no membership fee and all are welcome. Particularly those in Pyjamas. Like me."

And to get you warmed up for tonight's show, here is Sarah dealing with some of her fans' problems:

Hey oop! I've gone all bonkers this week what with it being Vally Day (Patricia Webb's fave day of the week). I wonder how Gary spent Valentine's Day? I bet he's dead romantic. My husband Bernard is a born romantic too. Last year he filled the marital bed with a dozen red serviettes (he thinks roses are too pricey). The serviettes were all scrunched up so they looked like roses and best of all, when I lay on em I didn't get a prick in my bum!!! Tee hee!

This year he surpassed himself. He got some whipped cream (steady on, you don't know where this is going) and wrote 'I LUV YOU PAT' on the pavement outside so when I woke up on Val Day I would look out of the window and see it. Sadly I got out of bed without opening the nets (I've got a peeping Tom next door and he has been known to show himself to me of a morning. Sounds like a dream come true I know but you've never seen a penis look more like a walnut in your life.) Anyway back to Val's Day. Before I got a chance to see Bernard's message a dog had done its business in it. Julie came by and thought we'd been targeted by race hate BNP types. I said, why would we? We're not black. She said oh yeah and that was that.

P.S. I love you Bernard. But not as much as I love Gary Bellamy. Tee hee! Although granted, he's never written me name in shite so you've got one up on him there.

PATRICIA WEBB IN EXORCIST REMAKE!!!!
I've been heaving like a sick puppy this week. I've had that vomming bug. It were disgusting. I was chucking me guts up for hours. I even sprayed the bedroom wall. I were just like that ugly girl out of the exorcist (note to fans - one of Gary's favourite films! Go figure!) I like the look of that priest in that film. He's enough to make any girl go Catholic. Tee hee!

The Making of Bellamy's People of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: Episode Four

Writes:

My name is Tim Key. Awful. In this game of No More Women it's a bit of a "something a little bit different" situation. My usual opponent - a sort of very thin version of what he would look like if he put on a bit of weight - was unable to compete (personal problems). So the gap-toothed father and sometime commentator stepped into the breach and Mark Watson (personal problems) watched.

The key to playing someone like Horne is not to underestimate him. Easier said than done though since over the years, as we have developed the game, Horne has proved himself to be dreadful at it. Pitiful. Though he has grown up with the game and is a veteran of over one hundred contests it is very striking that he has no clear idea of what he is doing or why he is doing it or whether he's doing it right. The result is a fuzz of celebs and ill-thought-out definitions. I hate it.

There's a school of thought that says that all of this is a show. That Horne is presenting a veneer of stupidity behind which lays a smart, cute, analytical brain, plotting his opponent's downfall. Always appearing docile. Always scheming; craftily looking for openings. No, it isn't that. He's just awful at the game.

I went on his stag night a couple of years ago. We went to Budapest. He dressed up as a cricketer and bowed deeply whenever he met a stranger. One of our friends got in trouble with the police because he climbed onto a small building and jumped off into the street.Ìý Aye, that was a good weekend.

My victory - I don't think it necessarily spoils things to say that I won; obviously I won - was the classic sucker-punch. Once Horne had stupidly establishing a hair-rule early on in the fight by invoking Simon Bird's prim locks, I simply had to wait long enough for Horne's pea-brain to forget about this and then pounce. And pounce I did. And the end, when it came, was delicious. Of course there's not much satisfaction to be had from defeating someone like Horne.Ìý But it beats the hell out of losing to him. Pretty sure I couldn't cope with that. Pretty sure I'd take the pills.

writes:

Normally I'm not allowed to to be 'in shot' on this sort of thing. and do allow my voice to feature in the commentary
of No More Women but a long time ago we all agreed it'd probably be best if the two of them provided the eye candy. They are both lovely looking men.

But with the series tantalisingly poised at three games all it was time for me to break rank and play the bloody game myself. Yes there WILL be one dramatic showdown (played, as all dramatic showdowns should be, in the Blue Peter Garden. In the snow) but first I needed to see firsthand how the players played. How could I commentate on the ultimate contest if I hadn't yet dipped at least one of my many many toes in the tepid but treacherous waters of the game itself.

So this is me playing Mark. We're in a ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Cafe where you can get a good breakfast for less than three pounds. I'd just eaten mine so was feeling great.

With the benefit of hindsight, having watched the game back myself several times now, I have to say that I have mixed feelings about my performance.I'm pleased with certain aspects; the beard looks exceptional on camera, for instance. And how composed was I in the early moments? (answer: fairly)

But then I really seemed to disintegrate. I don't know quite why. Maybe the occasion got to me. Maybe I got a bad sausage. But my concentration went and with it any sort of decent facial expressions. I mean I was really disappointed by my face when it breaks into giggles. Must be more dignified. Also, the number of times I turned to Tim for reassurance. Pathetic. It was, however, truly awesome to see Mark at work close up. Amazing powers of concentration. Bewildering tactics. And so much twitching. We got on pretty well before this encounter. But I think this has brought us even closer together. Wonderful stuff.

By the way, you may also notice me commentating on myself. Rarely does this happen in sport. In 20 20 cricket the players are sometimes interviewed during it but that's not the same. So this really is quite something. So there you go. If you like somethings this is a really quite one. Enjoy.

Fresh from his Trip to London Misery Bear has sent us a message about Valentine's Day.

"I've never received a Valentine's card. I've sent loads out over the course of my life though. One year I got a cut on my tongue from all the envelopes I licked. Couldn't eat lemons for weeks.

Why will no one be my Valentine? It's not like I'm a mean bear, or ugly or anything. Life's lonely and crushing enough as it is, but this time of year is particularly cruel to a furry little guy like me.

Every time I walk past a card shop, I see my kind paraded on the front of soppy greetings cards, holding big hearts and saying 'Will you be my Valentine please'. I've met some of those bears - you wouldn't want a Valentine gift from one of them in real life, believe me. Some of them are real dicks.

Ìý

I was on the the other day. I was praying it hadn't been filmed and put on the end of the news like one of those stories about a donkey stuck in a river you sometimes get. Luckily they were just talking about my movies and my stupid life. I was on after a clip of Angelina Jolie. I've sent her 17 Valentine's Day cards over the years. Has she ever replied to me? Has she f...........

Ìý

MBx"

I'm in a right old sulk. I've seen a post on a message board this week what calls me "Gary's groupie". I am NOT a groupie. I am a disciple. In fact, if anything, I'm more like a wife to Gary. So is Julie. If Gary was an Arab man he'd have married Julie and me by now. He'd have to take turns in our boudoirs. And let me tell you, he'd be an exhausted Arab man by now!!!!! Oh to be born in Arablands.

I've never wanted to be an Arab before this moment but do you know, I'm off to Mecca right this minute (and by that I don't meant the bingo!) Do you know, I was a virgin on my wedding night to Bernard. In those days you just held hands. Our wedding night wasn't so much a disappointment as bloody catastrophic. I've not tried it again since. I've got three children. I don't know how they happened. I do sleep a lot though and Bernard is very light on his feet.

The Making of Bellamy's People of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: Episode Three MY CHARITY WORK
I'm a fun bubbly person. I'm bouncy (and by that I do not mean fat, although granted, I do need to shift a couple of pounds. Julie says, "couple of stone more like". Cheeky moo!). I do a lot of wacky sponsored things for charity. I've done sponsored walks, runs, shoe wearing - I wore a different shoe every ten seconds. I didn't get much done that day! I once did a sponsored fart. I raised so much money for charity the local paper called me The Girl with the Golden Bum! I've done a sponsored breathe. I've done a sponsored pickle - I pickled everything I found, including the cat! I could pickle anything and get away with it! I did a sponsored lamp post stroke where I stroked every lamp post I passed. It was very therapeutic actually. Send in your ideas for sponsored things! Nothing blue please. This is a family website.

STEVE RIDER
As well as the great Gary Bellamy there's also room in my heart for the great Steve Rider (right). He's a bit like an older Gary but a Gary what stayed on at school longer and paid more attention in class. If you want another "birdie" Steve, I'm your woman!

Being British
Last week on Bellamy's People they were all talking about what it means to be British. Well, I'm really proud to be British. I love the Queen see. I've asked to run her website an all. I've got some great ideas for it. . She could do with a pop-up clown with a banner what tells the latest news - I've put that on your site Gary! I wrote to the palace but I've not heard back. In fact I've written to a lot of people to do their websites. Gary's the only one what responded.

Ta ra for now. Keep sending me your posts and piccies. I particularly enjoyed Leslie Dunn's pictures of her holiday in the Peak District. Oh, and Brian Brains of Braintree (I don't believe that's your real name) if you could stop sending me pictures of you in your pants please! I only want pictures of you with your pants OFF in future please! Tee hee!

Bellamy's People is on Thursdays at 10pm on ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Two. Read more from superfan Patricia, BP's director Ben, and Gary himself here on the blog.

'There'll be a 2nd series of Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle. Huzzah! Huzzah!'Ìý tweeted producer Armando Iannucci earlier today.


We've spoken to Mr Lee himself and he told us:
"Cock-A-Hoop About New Vehicle. I'm delighted that ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½2 have recommissioned SLCV and am really looking forward to getting the team back together to make an even more irritating series than the first. I can't believe it, frankly, and I am completely cock-a-hoop."

For those of you that missed it first time around here's Stewart and Armando in a Frost/Nixon style face off talking about Series 1 of Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle.

• Watch more Stewart and Armando
• Check out some clips from Series 1 of Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle
  

Dave Gorman is calling upon you, the Great British public, to come forward with new ideas to help improve humankind and bring joy to the nation.



Genius is the show in which Dave Gorman and his celebrity guests stress-test the perhaps ridiculous, maybe unworkable but hopefully genius inventions, schemes and policies.

Can you rival the likes of Flick-spoons, Bring Your Uncle to Work Day or the Bungahigh - a multi-storey version of the bungalow?

Over the course of the series members of the public will be invited on to the show to pitch their ideas and inventions for making the world a more fun place and a chance be awarded genius status.

Team Genius are very keen to hear and see your amazing notions and concepts.

Write down your ideas or create a video and head over to the Genius website where you'll find simple instructions on how to get them to the team.

Hey everyone! This is my first blog post on the ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Comedy Blog, so I guess an introduction would be appropriate: about four months ago, I started working for the ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ after being identified for my efforts with online community via YouTube - you may know me as .

The ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ has been creating great web-exclusive content over the past year, and I've been involved with getting it out there for the world to see.

One of my favourite web series is No More Women, brought to you from the presenters of We Need Answers. It's incredibly entertaining!

Having been a video blogger on YouTube for almost four years now, getting in touch with online communities is my main passion, so I find comedy that calls for online participation - like No More Women - greatly appealing.

We'd like to see No More Women take off around the nation so I've teamed up with my YouTube friend in hope of inspiring you to have a go too:



Now it's your turn!

Although the rules aren't difficult to pick up, I hope a tutorial video from some non-'professionals' will show how simple it is to try. Whether you already make videos, or have never considered doing so, I urge you to give it a go! And if you don't fancy that, it's still fun to play just among friends wherever you are.

Post your games as a video response to any of the on YouTube, or if you're hosting your video somewhere else, send us the link here, and we might use it in our No More Women showcase.

So watch the video and get inspired!

writes:

Good morning. My name is Tim Key. I'm in my thirties and I live in Limehouse which is in East London. On a clear day I can see the DLR out of my window. I can also walk straight out of my room and onto the roof. Once I even ate dinner on there, with a girl and my flatmate.

This was a tough game of No More Women played out by the lifts at the ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ (you can go on tours there where you catch glimpses of celebs/weathermen). I tried to psych out by turning up in a denim jacket and saying Rod Hull. I thought this would shake Mark up; this sort of thing usually turns the wee man into jelly. However, to be honest, I could have pitched up in the nude and said Rik Waller for all the good it would have done. There are some things you have no control over and this was a pretty stark example of that. No matter how much you prepare, no matter how much you look after yourself in the week, there's pretty much nothing you can do if a fella spills his coffee and - unfortunately for me - a large gentleman did just that not a minute into the game. I never really recovered.

Just to clarify, a large gentlemen dressed in a blazer waltzed through a set of double-doors, upset his coffee and then tried to make amends. I have never seen such an incident in, for example, boxing contests or snooker finals. But it's the sort of shit I've had to get used to doing this series. Undone by a force majeure.

Before the coffee incident I was lively, pugnacious and fleet of thought. After the coffee incident I could barely think of a celeb. My brain was addled and I could only really think of party leaders. I'd called Brown and Cameron and was ready with Clegg but I think when you're talking about a player like Watson - well, he can sense a weakness. The challenge came. I shan't say whether or not it was upheld. The film's there for all to see. Suffice to say there's only a finite amount of squeezes a denim jacket can excavate you from.

In other news, I think this series of games is making my hair go grey.Ìý Hadn't noticed that before.



Tim Key is currently re-building his . Its heavy work lifting all those poems and photos and he needs a cup of tea, two sugars please.
Ìý

Where would we be without spin offs? And I mean things like Torchwood and Frasier, not Joey or Baywatch Nights. To tell us more about our new discount supermarket sitcom Spendingtons, here's writer and star Lloyd Woolf...


Ìý

The internet is great. Especially the videos. A video of a kitten falling off a skateboard into a cement mixer? Yes please. Someone's dubbed over Star Wars with the dialogue from an old episode of Rising Damp? Forward me the link, please mate. But the most exciting thing I've seen online in ages is EastEnders: E20.

For the uninitiated, it's a sexified, youthful, online only EastEnders spin-off. A sort of cross between Skins, The Scooby Gang and, well, EastEnders. With a character called Zsa Zsa in it. And it's brilliant. The most addictive thing I've seen in ages. I defy anyone to watch an episode without immediately watching the next ten. It's written by frighteningly precocious young Londoners, and has a pretty authentic whiff of teenage angst and humour to it - like the wisetalking gangsta type who insists on being called "Fatboy" even though his name is Arthur.

But the most mind blowing thing about it is that it's an EastEnders spin-off. Which mad genius came up with doing an EastEnders spin-off? And why hasn't it done before? The ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ should be making spin-offs of all its shows. Suddenly a whole world of insane possibility seems to open up. Casualty: The Med-school Years.Ìý New Tricks 2099: Still At It.

Why stop there? Couldn't you make a spin-off of a spin-off?

All of a sudden, my goal in life seemed clear.


I set to work. Weeks passed in a blur. I made phone calls. I wrote scripts. I begged. I pleaded. And then suddenly, it was happening. Really happening. We were going to make Spendingtons - and we were even going to have real EastEnders legends in it - (aka Kat "Yes I Aaaaam!" Slater) and (aka Barry "Pushed Down A Mountain" Evans).

The internet offers so much possibility for spin-offs and the like because it's a brilliant amplifier for people's enthusiasm. For example, if it wasn't for overexcited types on the internet, you'd never have seen Snakes On A Plane. And I certainly wouldn't want to live in a world where I couldn't listen to a Texan Geek/Genius narrating over a Harry Potter film.

I hope you like the results. Remember, it's all thanks to the ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ and the internet's extraordinary capacity for making spin-off after spin-off after spin-off after spin-off...