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Well, Blow Me Down

• Stuart Bailie
• 14 Jun 07, 02:19 PM

There¡¯s a legendary scene in To Have And Have Not when Lauren Bacall is showing Humphrey Bogart how to whistle properly. ¡°You just put your lips together and blow,¡± she purrs, as Bogie holds it all together and plays it absurdly cool.

I¡¯ve never met too many women who could make the art of whistling seem sexy. Not too many men, either. Maybe Otis Redding during the final moments of ¡®Dock Of The Bay¡¯, when he can¡¯t remember the lyrics but busks it, beautifully. Or John Lennon on ¡®Jealous Guy¡¯. Oh, and I guess we could commend The Bangles for that perky line in the chorus of ¡®Walk Like An Egyptian¡¯. Or more recently, Peter, Bjorn And John for the excellent ¡®Young Folks¡¯. People, I can feel a radio special coming on¡­

But no marks whatsoever to the average Ulster male. During my occasional visits to the local gym, I have to endure scores of hairy, naked blokes in the changing room, whistling along to the commercial radio station that constantly blares. This station seems to run on a cycle of Robbie Williams, Bryan McFadden, The Sugababes and Oasis. And to hear a whistling version of ¡®Don¡¯t Look Back In Anger¡¯ is almost too much to endure.

Ulster boy whistlers take awful liberties with the melody of a given song. They also remove the natural cadences and make it sound stupid and ¡°jaunty¡±. You would think they had all been reared on terrible flute bands¡­

While I¡¯m not saying that you should re-route the flute, can¡¯t we somehow muffle the whistle?

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