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Matt Harvey

• JP
• 20 Oct 06, 02:40 PM

In 1992 began performing poems and is now a veteran of the UK’s festival circuit.

He is President of MIND in Exeter and East Devon and helps organise its regional Off the Wall comedy festival. Since co-writing and co starring in two series of One Night Stanza in 2001/02 he has become a regular Radio 4 voice, contributing to programmes such as Off The Page, Word of Mouth and A Good Read. He writes songs too.

Matt has published five books; Here We Are Then, Songs Sung Sideways, Standing Up To Be Counted Out, Curtains and Other Material and most recently The Hole in the Sum of my Parts which contains a selection from the previous four books plus some new bits.

What are you?

You’re a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate
utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot

What are you?

You’re a huggy cuddle craver, you’re a snugly cradle raver - you’re a bit of a groover, a duvet remover - stranger softener, smile widener, shoulder-broadener extraordinaire

You’re a VIP doing VI poo

You’re an up-chucker, mucker upper, upper-body workout kit, authority ignorer, brain re-wirer, furniture restorer requirer

You’re clap-happy when you’re out and about, you’re the opposite of fossil, you’re a bustle sprout

What are you?

You’re a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate, utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot…..

What are you?

You’re a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate, utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot

What are you?

You’re a wide-eyed windfall, a button-pushing pinball

Life-altering all-terrain boogie buggy passenger - you’re a huggy cuddle craver, you’re a snugly cradle raver - you’re a bit of a groover, a duvet remover, embedded bed-jewel, schedule re-arranger, stranger softener, smile widener, shoulder-broadener extraordinaire

You’re a suckler for nourishment, a chuckler, a cackler, you’re a tackle tinkerer, you’re a rugby tackler. Quick thinker, deep stinker, aromatherapist

You’re a home improvement, a luminous ruminant, a whole new artistic movement, not-always-the-gentlest experimentalist, nipple twister, blister-burster….

Cup breaker, beaker leaker, laughter lover, sensation seeker, you’re a much sought after after-dinner gobbledegook speaker. (Aren’t you?)

You’re a VIP doing VI poo, dream-snatcher, germ-catcher, charming squirmer, worm–harmer, goody grabber, crab walker, eye-jabber, Daddy stalker

You’re an up-chucker, flannel sucker, mucker upper, upper-body workout kit, shit manufacturer, bachelor botherer, authority ignorer, brain re-wirer, furniture restorer requirer

Indiscriminate techno lover, take-no-prisoners soft toy smotherer, brother annoyer, book-about-raising-boys destroyer…

You’re crap-happy when you’re out and about, you’re the opposite of fossil, you’re a bustle sprout

Yes you are, you’re a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate, utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot…..

What are you?

From The Hole in the Sum of my Parts by Matt Harvey, published by the Poetry Trust, ISBN 0-9550910-0-4, www.thepoetrytrust.org

Cold Cases

You’ve been bad…

You did dark deeds in the Black Country - you whacked and hacked and maimed
You did things with Dandie Dinmonts of which you should be ashamed
You slashed the tyres of life coaches, and then you went yet further
You eviscerated novelists – you got away with murder!

…or did you?

For though you couldn’t have been suaver – you wore silk gloves, a balaclava –
There’s a trace of you that places you where you should not have been
That undermines your alibi and puts you at the scene

It’s a fibre so fine that it’s almost not there
It’s a spot of saliva, the hint of a hair
It’s a smidgeon, a tad, a jot or a fleck
It’s a smudge that’s a snitch, it’s a dot or a spec
There’s a miniscule mark on the lip of a cup
And it’s learning to speak and it’s grassing you up
It’s the weeniest, tiniest, teeniest strand
Your own private barcode, your own unique brand

And since your DNA has told on you
Your case is not so cold, and you
Now fear the long reach of the law
The fateful knock upon the door…

“…Good Lord, it’s Detective Chief Superintendent Graham Shaw.
What seems to be the problem officer?�

Dandie Dinmont in Danger

How can the Dandie Dinmont
This terrier of distinction
Which lights up the canine firmament
Be threatened with extinction?

Well, here’s the problem:
If a lady Dandie Dinmont finds herself in heat -
And she looks but finds no randy manly Dandie Dinmont handy,
And she’d rather that the gene pool were diluted than deleted
Plus she’s looking for fulfilment and she wants to feel completed -
Then what else can she do…
…but go downmarket?

With this in mind what can we do, but what the Dandie Dinmont
Would appear to want us to…

We must set up special evenings of Dandie Dinmont dating
And the need to breed will lead at speed to Dandy Dinmont mating

Let them romp and rough and tumble and indulge in fun and frolics
Let them sniff each other’s bottoms, let them lick each other’s collars

In a few short weeks the fitter ones will drop litters of little ones
A cache of Dandie Dinmont pups - the Masarati among mutts –

Then, with basketfuls of doggies, Dandie Dinmont to the core,
Their look-alike, Paul Keevil, can go from door to door

Crying: Adopt a Dandie Dinmont! Take a Dandie Dinmont home!
Give them Dandie Dinmont din-dins, grooming, love and room to roam,
They’ll repay your love with loyalty, with friendliness and fun…

The darling Dandie Dinmont - God preserve ’em, every one.

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