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Do you avoid having difficult conversations with your colleagues, neighbours, friends or loved ones? Most of us do because we know it might cause conflict or leave us feeling awkward, vulnerable or stressed out.

“This is pretty much a universal human experience,” says Chartered Psychologist Kimberley Wilson. “Essentially everything that you want in life is on the other side of a difficult conversation, and we have this belief or idea that if we ignore it will just go away. It doesn't."

In the What's Up Docs? podcast, Kimberley tells Chris and Xand van Tulleken why difficult conversations are worth having and how you should prepare for them.

Listen: How to have a difficult conversation

Kimberley Wilson suggests that if you want to have better relationships, you can't just do that by yourself. “When there is an ongoing relationship, with someone who is meaningful to you, and whom you're likely to have in your life for a long time, it's worth considering actually having that conversation.”

And Kimberley says when we bring up those difficult conversations, we will reap the benefits. “Often what happens is the other person is relieved that we've named the elephant in the room”

Here's Kimberley’s ten-step plan to having that difficult conversation:

1. Consider the costs of not having the conversation

Before you begin, take some time to think about why this conversation is important to you. Make a list of all the ways that avoiding this conversation is diminishing your wellbeing. Will staying silent compromise your values, your sense of self and ultimately your mental health?

2. Then think about the benefits

List all the ways that you will benefit from having the conversation. Visualise the benefits. This isn’t just about trying to change the other person, it's about what that conversation can give you in the long term: greater confidence, more self-respect, improved resilience.

3. Decide if it's worth going ahead

Now weigh up the costs versus the benefits of the conversation and decide whether the benefits outweigh your fears. How important is this relationship to you? "You can absolutely tap out at step three if you’ve decided that it's not worth it," says Kimberley Wilson.

4. Get support from someone you trust

Tell someone you trust that you are going to have the conversation. They can offer objectivity and support. Practice what you want to say and get feedback. However, also consider if it’s safe to have this conversation. There are circumstances of physical or emotional violence where it could be safer NOT to have the difficult conversation. If so, get specialist help and support first.

5. Initiate the conversation

This is the hardest part. No one likes conversations sprung upon them, so don’t say, “we need to talk” without any context. This may make the other person anxious and unreceptive to discussion. Try sending a message with a question such as, “we’re in a relationship, and I would like to make it better. Are you up for that?”

Some people are not ready or willing to have a conversation so be prepared to take no for an answer. If they say no, you can decide whether to continue putting energy and investment into this person, or whether to redirect it into people with whom you can have a more honest relationship. And remember, even if they reject your invitation, you still get the benefits of having had the courage to take that step.

6. Prepare

When we're in an emotionally tense situation, the part of our brain that governs impulse control, planning and reasoning shuts down, so it is wise to prepare for the conversation in case anxiety takes over. Write down what you want to say, either in bullet points or as a letter. If you do become overwhelmed, or upset during the conversation, you can refer to your notes to keep you grounded.

7. Meet face to face

Meet in person and in a neutral space if possible, because non-verbal communication is so important. So much of the nuance and empathy conveyed by human facial expressions is lost in an email or a text.

Afterwards, you can leave the letter or notes that you wrote during your preparation. This might help the other person remember the things that you said.

8. Allow the other person time to think and respond

The other person may not have known that you felt this way or they may overwhelmed by emotions themselves. As much as you want answers or explanations, it is fair to accommodate them. Be curious about their point of view.

9. Recover and regulate

Emotions take a physical toll on the body and this is likely to be an intensely emotional conversation. Don’t plan to do anything afterwards. Clear your diary and make room for activities that will help reduce your levels of stress and emotion such as walking in nature, journaling or perhaps just sleeping.

10. Come back to the conversation

Don't expect to resolve your issue in one session. The other person is going to feel a multitude of emotions and will also need time to recover and process the conversation. Perhaps give it a week and then send a message like, “would it be alright if we had another conversation?”

Finally, trying to resolve issues with someone you care about, however hard the conversation, is valuable and will ultimately benefit your relationship. As Kimberley Wilson says, “if it’s important, it’s worth putting the time in”.