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| ESSENTIAL
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Every
minute in the UK, the police receive a call from the public
asking for assistance in a domestic violence situation.
One
in five young men and one in ten young women think that abuse
or violence against women is acceptable.
It's
estimated that police receive a call from a victim of domestic
violence every minute. (Betsy Stanko, 2000).
Domestic
violence accounts for almost a quarter (23%) of all violent
crime. (Crime in England and Wales, ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Office, July 2002).
One
in four women will experience domestic violence at some time
in their life. (Council of Europe, 2002; BMA 1998; ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Office
Research Study, 1999)
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ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½
Hitting ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Helpline: 08000 934 934. Lines are open until midnight,
from 5 February until 28 March 2003
| Roz.,
Bedford |
Saturday
22 February, 2003 |
|
| Before
I wrote this I thought very carefully how to choose my words
so that I would not offend anyone. For the women who are abused
I say this: please never think that having children will ever
bind together a rocky relationship especially one where there
is any sort of abuse - it will not, in fact it will trap you
even more because once there are children it is more difficult
to leave. If you discover that your partner is violent or
abusive in any way - leave and never go back. If you have
no children ask yourself do you really want to reproduce with
such a person. To the women from ethnic minorities who often
have a terrible time because of their dictatorial, misogynestic
culture - you are worth more than these dreadful men who marry
you but who subjugate you with their relegious mumbo jumbo
and their double standards. Until women right across the planet
are equal to m! en in every walk of life, until women have
the courage to cast off superstition and middle age dogma
and can be themselves then the abuse will continue and I grieve
for them. No belief, no culture and certainly no relegion
should ever be used as an excuse to make any women subservient.
To the men who are abused I say this: women who do this to
their partners are cowards as well as bullies, they trade
on the fact that decent men will nor retaliate and thus get
worse.They are no different from their male counterparts.
They are bad people who do not deserve a loving partner. Nobody
has the right to make life miserable for another, be it in
the home, at work or anywhere. It is too easy to make excuses
for these wretched people. Even if they have been abused themselves,
because they have suffered all the more reason to be humane
with others. There is only one race on the planet and it's
the human race the sooner we all start respecting the role
of the human being and cast off all the medieval bigotry still
predominate in society today, the better for all.It is this
which I believe is at the heart of all abuse. These terrible
phenomena have been around since the dawn of time, because
there is always someone who thinks that they are above another,
and justify ! their actions because of some creed or instilled
belief. Yes it's good to be a survivor, but better still to
be a free spirited individual who needs not fear anyone or
anything. My first husband thought he could get away with
mentally and physically abusing me and he actually got worse
after our son was born, thus proving my earlier point. He
has remarried and is just as bad to his second wife. I got
rid of him within months of my son being born and I never
looked back. It was not easy but when my Decree Absolute came
through I was a very relieved woman. Now happily married to
a man who treats me as an equal I feel that I am well qualified
to comment on abuse. |
| Farrah
Khan, Leeds |
Thursday
20
February, 2003 |
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i was a vicitm of domestic violence for 10 years before i
fled to a women's refuge with my 2 children. i had the additional
cultural barriers to get beyond which can be further isolating
as there is a lack of awareness to the needs of ethnic miority
woen an domestic violence. i have since qualified as a social
worker and have worked in the domestic violence field. I therefore
was very offended at the ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½'s portrayal of the causes of
domestic violence. In last nights programme it was portrayed
as an anger management issue where by the man could not control
his anger and therefore lashed out. Hence they needed anger
management classes to learn these skills. This is totally
ridiculous as domestic violence is a cruel and calculated
form of abuse ot an anger management issue. If this was the
case then why doesn't the man lash out in the pub for instnat
or on the street. or at work. Often these men are nagels and
well respected outside the home which makes the abuse towar!
ds their partner even more calculated. They pcik on their
partner to reinstate their power and patriarchy. They pcik
on someone who they know cannot fight back. The ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ failed
to explore this angle and which I feel was deliberate as to
explore the power issues they would have to look at how our
society is embedded with patriarchal beliefs. This filters
through into communities and homes and at its extreme results
in domestic violence. We can only ever over come domestic
violence when we recognise that women are of equal and start
to treat them as such in parliament, media, institutions etc.
Even the name docestic violence trivualises the crime. There
is nothing domstic about this level of violence, it is assault
and should therefore be seen as such. Oh and poor david sole,
i'm glad he forgives himself as he said, maybe now he can
be violent without feeling guilty, idiot or what! |
| Lisa,
USA |
Tuesday
18
February, 2003 |
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| After
emailing last night i thought of a lot that i think that is
needed to be said. My parents argued all my childhood at 15
they divorced after 27 years of marriage. As a child i would
see my brother hit my mum in tears and screaming down are
drive way i hated the holidays. But just because someone gets
help or divorced the story does not end there at all. I am
the youngest of three i have now been married nearly 10 years,
and i have found it very hard to accept love, all i saw was
arguing. So i put up every barrier known this has caused us
to receive cancelling the story does not end there either
i am a christian but and i love my kids but you have to mentally
change your ways on how you bring up your kids otherwise you
slip back into the nightmare of the past. I am emailing this
as i want you to know getting a person out of domestic violence
is only the tip of iceburg. I had a very low self worth i
felt often i was not good enough this is from a child who
was saw it i am sure others can relate. Also even though my
mum got divorced my brother took over where my dad left off.
Today he is married and left home my mum is now left with
nothing but a state pension and a rented house and is very
ill with a thyroid condition. To this my brother adds you
are making it up. Sometimes it seams life is very unfair.My
mum i believe just wanted to be happy. Today she still has
something to do with my brother even after he has hurled abuse
at her taken every penny she ever had but this is all she
knows. Honestly if your programme wishes to help you need
to look at the whole family removing the victim just is one
issues. The children have to re educated in what love is honestly
i know i have had sincerly Lisa |
| GG,
Bedfordshire |
Friday
14 February, 2003 |
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| 10
years of bullying, physical and mental abuse thats me ! I
look back and wonder in amazement why did I put up with it,
why didn't i do something else, or take another course of
action, but he had made me beleive he was the only one in
the world that knew me and no one would listen to me cos i
was ugly, stupid, and pathetic. i finaly found the strenth
to leave. It took me a very long time to trust anyone, to
beleive people when they payed me a compliment. But now two
years on, i have found myself a new man. He lets me be myself
and laughs when i muck up dinner, and gets chips, instead
of throwing the hot pans on my lap.I've found a whole new
world, I just think to myself, he was the insecure one, that
needed to control people to make himself feel better.I am
not all those things he said.To Ex Glasgow man- Please give
someone else a chance, because not everyone is like our Ex's
. By closing you self away will only make you resentful.Use
your experience to make you wiser and stronger. |
| John,
Letchworth |
Thursday
13
February, 2003 |
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| No-one
disputes that dv is an issue. But their website (and the proposed
programmes) seem determined to picture it as a completely
male on female problem. Their excuse - on the web - is that
the ratio of female to male sufferers is 4 to 1. Actually,
to get here, you have to use some very recent - and contentious
figures - issued by the British Crime Survey. A previous BCS
concluded that the incidence of dv was approximately evenly
divided between the genders. The current Survey notes that
the definition has been changed, resulting to a marked change
in reporting patterns. Oddly, the headline figures used are
actually based on the previous BCS - whilst the ratio is taken
from the current one. Pick and mix statistics, anyone? As
for the web page on male sufferers: looks like it is written
by women who don't really want to admit the problem exists.
Its focus is on how much male reporting themselves as victims
may be making it up or perpetrators themselves. Funny how
they don't put the same caveats on the pages about women victims.
But then, that would be a bit like a group of men getting
together to do a web-page on rape, and dropping in snippets
about how many victims either incited it or made it up. After
features such as this, the gulf between men and women will
just be wider than ever - and sympathy for female victims
will plummet. |
| Jean,
Beds |
Thursday
13
February, 2003 |
|
I
spent 6 years being tortured physically and emotionally. You
can become hardened to the beatings, strangling and rape, the
cruelty though... I remember once sitting in the bath while
he dangled a plugged-in extension lead an inch from my bathwater,
and his laughing when he saw my urine stain the water yellow.
He robbed me of my dignity so many times I lost count. I believed
I was fat, ugly and undeserving of anyone's love, even my kids.
No one can understand why you stay, neither can you probably.
The most valuable thing anyone said to me was when I went back
to him the first time, the refuge worker said: 'don't think
this means the door is closed behind you, if you come back in
an hour, a day, a week, a year, we'll be here'. Most women don't
make the final break till the 3rd or 4th go. If you've got kids,
read Andrea Ashworth's book Once in a house on fire. Try to
see it through your children's eyes. Don't be a victim any more,
be a survivor! |
| J.D,
ex Glasgow, now London |
Thursday
14
November, 2002 |
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|
I
have always been a shy man, especially with women and when
I got my first serious girlfriend at 25. I fell totally for
her. She was quite physical and would occasionally punch me,
not really hard, well not to me, on the shoulder or back,
on the shoulder. I don't know when it started going wrong
but gradually the punches got harder and aimed more for the
softer parts.
There
was verbal abuse as well, I was not good in bed, not earning
enough, I couldn't cook, or tidy properly... Then one day
I came in, she spun round and smashed the edge of a cast iron
skillet into my ribs, breaking three of them. She was terribly
apologetic and I forgave her, but after a pause the insults
and blows came back. I called The Samaritans and they gave
me the number for an organisation, I called them and one of
their staff asked me what I had done to provoke her. I don't
really know what I thought or felt, I only know I woke up
the next morning eight miles away from the phone box. Called
for a taxi and found there was no refuge for me - no demand
for one - women don't attack men, what had I done? In desperation
I went to my old landlady - she had a room to spare - and
I was an old friend. Three days later she tracked me down
and created a scene outside - eventually the police came and
after an interview I was advised that it was not worth my
while to bring charges - nothing would be done and she was
bringing counter-charges and would use that as a defence.
It was made clear to me that if I dropped my charges she would
drop hers and even my own lawyer made it plain that this was
my best option. I left town and came down to London, that
was twenty years ago, I am still single, I do not dare get
close to another woman. I wish I had pressed charges maybe
it would bring closure or maybe I would be branded as a dangerous
thug, I wish I had never met her, I wish I could have my life
back.
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| Lucie,
Watford |
Thursday
14
November, 2002 |
|
| My
friends and family were so supportive, once they got over the
shock of what had happened to me. In the words of a book I read
about domestic violence 'It's my life now' and no one is ever
going to take it away from me again. My advice to other people
suffering from domestic violence is to talk to someone, to get
out and away. It takes a lot of courage but in the end it is
worth it. Contact Victim Support for advice. The violence will
only get worse. There is support out there to help you through
this. |
Where
else you can get help >>
ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½
Hitting ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½ Helpline: 08000 934 934. Lines are open until midnight,
from 5 February until 28 March 2003
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