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What's
it like living with a teenager?
It
can be quite strange. Suddenly there's this large person walking
around. I know I've spent every day with him and he's only grown
gradually but it's when you suddenly realise they can reach the
top shelf for you - which is quite useful!
I've
got to try and make my mind catch up and try to remember that
OK, he might look a lot older but in other ways he's still quite
young. I'm quite confused sometimes. |
| Jenny
Leighton |
And
he doesn't look like a little boy any more. And yet I've
got to try and make my mind catch up with that and try to remember
that OK, he might look a lot older but in other ways he's still
quite young.
I'm
quite confused sometimes about how to react to him, because I've
got to look at him as other people look at him and work out "Who
is this person?"
Do
you think it's as confusing being the mum of a teenager as being
a teen yourself?
Definitely,
for mums of teenage boys because you start thinking "I don't
know much about boys, girls would be easier" - I don't know
that that they would be but you think I could relate more to what
girls are feeling like but with boys you don't want to trespass
on the privacy that they're starting to ask for and things like
that. It's quite hard actually because your whole relationship with
them is suddenly different.
Because
the boundaries change?
Yes,
and perhaps they want to push the boundaries faster than you can
cope with and that can cause friction.
I'm
trying to acknowledge that those boundaries have got to shift but
maybe I'm not ready for all of them to shift as far as he'd want
to.
What
boundaries does Ed want to shift?
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| Jenny
worries about Ed getting hurt - emotionally as well as physically
|
The
freedom to come and go from the house I found quite a hard one,
for instance if I wasn't at home and to trust him if he wanted to
lock up the house and go out with a friend. I felt I needed to be
there to make sure he'd gone out safely.
Do
you worry about Ed coming to harm when he's out?
Yes,
because however much you think it's actually not that dangerous,
come on, get real, how often to things go wrong, I don't even want
him to be in a situation where he's scared or lost.
We
have certain very basic ground rules. I need to know who he's going
to be seeing and where he's going to be and he has to be back at
a particular time and an absolute rule is that if he's going to
be any time after that at all he has to let me know, which he does,
after one time when he didn't!
If
I try and explain what I'm feeling that usually helps, even
if I say "I know I'm not being totally logical about this
but this is how I feel about it" he will respond to that
and try to understand me. |
| Jenny
Leighton |
But
I have once or twice been late back when Ed was expecting me and
he realised then how worrying it can be.
If
I try and explain what I'm feeling that usually helps, even if I
say "I know I'm not being totally logical about this but this
is how I feel about it" he will respond to that and try to
understand me.
What's
your view on mobile phones?
I like
the way that he can contact me and I can contact him at any time,
and I know if he's in trouble, or gets stranded because a bus doesn't
run, he can ring me and that's fine.
The
other side of the coin is that he can communicate with people and
people can communicate with him and I don't know either that it's
happening in the first place or what's being said.
When
I was a teenager we didn't even have a phone in the house and that
is a difference.
Suddenly
he's got this private life that I don't want to trespass on - but
at the same time I want to know what's going on because there might
be something I could or should do to help him or protect him - or
just be nosy sometimes!
Do
you use texting to stay in touch?
Do
I feel as happy with him going for a walk across the hills with
his girlfriend as I would if he were going out with another
boy? I was quite surprised that I had to work through that. |
| Jenny
Leighton |
I'm
learning. I'm a bit slow and they laugh at me, but we're getting
there.
It
is useful because they can do it from anywhere and they can do it
unobtrusively, they haven't got to worry about ringing numbers.
Overall, I think it's a good thing, so I'm learning.
Are
there things you find it difficult to talk about?
Ed
has a girlfriend and I like him feeling able to invite his friends
into the house - apparently I'm all right as a parent to introduce
his friends to!
But
I've had to adjust my ideas. Do I feel as happy with him going for
a walk across the hills with his girlfriend as I would if he were
going out with another boy? I was quite surprised that I had to
work through that and we did talk about it because my initial reaction
was "I don't know if I really like this" but I couldn't
really work out why, so that's a work in progress.
Is
part of that because you worry about him being hurt?
Yes,
and not particularly physically hurt but emotionally hurt.
When he was little if he had fights in playgroup or fell out
with his best friend at primary school Mum could often sort
it out. I can't do that any more because I can't step into his
world in the same way. |
| Jenny
Leighton |
When
he was little if he had fights in playgroup or fell out with his
best friend at primary school Mum could often sort it out by saying
"we'll have so and so round to tea".
I can't
do that any more because I can't step into his world in the same
way - and I'm sure he wouldn't want me to.
I'd
like to be there to pick up the pieces but you can't look after
them the same way any more.
How
do you feel about having another teen-to-be? (Ed's sister Caroline
is 10). And what have you learned since Ed became a teenager?
I think
there will be a whole new set of issues to look at - perhaps they
won't be that different but I've got a feeling they will be.
I've
learned about thinking before I speak which we now both try to do,
and sometimes just to go with your gut reaction.
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| Jenny
is coming to terms with Ed having a girlfriend |
If
I've instinctively felt I don't want him to do that or I don't think
that's an appropriate programme for him to stay up late and watch
I'm gradually feeling more confident to say that even if he, or
Caroline in due course, persuades me that, yes, it's all right,
I will be able to say "my opinion is ..." and then try
and talk it through. That's
the theory, but sometimes it doesn't always work!
If
I don't try to compromise and say, "Look, I don't understand
where you're coming from but try to explain it to me" how can
I expect them to learn to do the same back to me? It's not fair,
is it?
I'm
still trying to teach them things, I suppose ... we learn from each
other.
How
has life changed since you were a teenager?
I know
I do trot out "I was a teenager once, you can't put anything
past me" but it has changed, it really has.
I think
teenagers today are expected almost to behave in a certain way and
unfortunately some do. Also the way society is set up today very
often there isn't the same context for those teenagers.
It can be good in that teens see their parents as individuals
with their own concerns and responsibilities rather than just
there to provide food regularly but it does leave teens on their
own a lot more. |
| Jenny
Leighton |
When
I was growing up there was only one TV in the house, there was no
telephone, we didn't even have central heating so you didn't all
go off to your separate bits of the house and maybe not see each
other for hours and there was family in the locality whereas we've
moved away from family so Ed hasn't got so much of a wider context
to operate in. That is a difference.
The
whole framework of life has changed from what it was a generation
ago - my mother didn't go out to work but I work part-time so I
have a life outside the home.
The
whole structure of how we operate is different - it can be good
in that teens see their parents as individuals with their own concerns
and responsibilities rather than just there to provide food regularly
but it does leave teens on their own a lot more.
So
we can't really complain about them wanting to be on their own when
we do a lot of encouraging them to be in their room with their TV
and their music and their mobile phones.
Is
it about finding a balance between encouraging independence and
leaving them to fend for themselves?
We
have got to encourage them to be independent and make their own
choices because if they don't try that out, hopefully in a reasonably
secure environment (I know where he is so that's OK) they're not
going to get streetwise, they're not going to learn how to cope
with things that go wrong, difficulties and so on. But it is hard
to let them, saying, OK they are going to have to make mistakes.
The
instinct is always there to organise it so their life is as
smooth as possible, even if they might not feel that.
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| Jenny
Leighton |
The
instinct is always there to organise it so their life is as smooth
as possible, even if they might not feel that.
For
example, if he's forgotten his homework and has to go to a friend's,
to take him by car because it'll give him longer to do it - the
hard parent, like I sometimes feel I should be, would say "You
forgot it, you'll get in trouble tomorrow and we've got other things
to do."
So
it means striking a balance between playing nice cop and nasty cop?
Yes
- I can be nasty cop when I want to be! You fight the battles you
want to fight - we don't have many but if you have the basic ground
rules everything else comes through negotiation. Ultimately, you
sometimes have to say: "You can't go out tonight because you
haven't done your homework" - and there's no nice way to put
that.
Would
you be without your teenager?
No,
he's all right! He can be really good company. There aren't
as many things we do together as when he was younger - we would
watch the same films and television programmes and go out for walks
as a family.
We
went out for a walk together in the summer and he wore his personal
CD player the whole time. I kept saying 'Switch that off, you
can't hear what I'm saying.' |
| Jenny
Leighton |
That
doesn't happen as much now because his interests are different.
We went out for a walk together in the summer and he wore his personal
CD player the whole time and I kept saying "Switch that off,
you can't hear what I'm saying."
I think
I'm treating him more as an adult, involving him more in knowing
household finances, it's not just "No we can't get a DVD player"
I'm explaining why, that there's something else that needs doing
because that's part of what he needs to learn.
Again,
I hope that if I explain why, rather than just saying 'No' he might
not like it but perhaps he will see my point of view.
What's
it like being a teenager?
It's
good fun, mainly. I'm really enjoying being a teenager with friends
but all the school work's a bit of a downside but it has to be done
and in theory it's gonna helpus later on.
What's
bad about being a teenager?
Adults have the wrong idea, they think we're all loutish and
unruly all the time. |
| Ed
Leighton |
The
homework, which we get an awful lot of and also the stereotypes
that adults have. They have the wrong idea, they think we're all
loutish and unruly all the time.
Most of us aren't and we're getting on with things but it doesn't
seem to affect how adults think about us.
What
causes most conflict at home?
Time
spent out of the house - the licence to go where I like and when
I like and having control. I'd like more freedom but I suppose we
come to a compromise.
What
do you do when you go out?
I
play football with friends, go to the cinema or just wander round.
Locally I walk or ride my bike, further afield I get the bus - or
a lift if I'm lucky or Mum's going that way!
What
do you find it difficult to talk about?
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| Like
many teens, Ed is attached to his CD player |
Communication
could be a lot worse, but there are some areas we could improve
on, like talking about responsibilities and what Mum thinks my responsibilities
are and what I think they are - sometimes they're not exactly the
same!
I
mean chores around the house or times I have to be back home and
how much practice I have to do on my instruments.
How
would you improve communication between you?
Often
thinking (before you speak). If there's a problem and you jump straight
in quite often you haven't thought it through so it's good to step
back and consider what you want to say and what your stance is on
whatever the problem is.
But
leaving it too long will only antagonise the situation. It's about
finding a balance.
Do
you still feel treated like a child?
I think I could be treated more
like an adult. I would hope I behave like one but my Mum might
disagree. |
| Ed
Leighton |
I
think I could be treated more like an adult. I would hope I behave
like one but my Mum might disagree.
Do
you ever put yourself in Mum's shoes?
She
says "I was a teenager once, too". That's always brought
in mid-discussion or argument.
Do
you take that on board?
I
did more the first couple of times! It may be worth saying just
to remind me. What adults say is generally taken on board, even
if it doesn't seem like that from the outside.
What
have you learned from hearing your Mum's point of view here?
I
can see why she does confront me with the problems she has with
my plans and I may not agree with her still but I can see why, I
can see where she's coming from.
What
kind of job do you think your Mum's doing of bringing you up?
On
the whole, very good because we do work on communication and try
and keep it open. Friction is reduced by that.
What's
your message to parents whose children will soon be teenagers?
Overall,
strap 'em, because it's not going to be that easy!
Try
and give a little as well as sticking to your guns because you do
have more experience than us but we have equally strong opinions
which need to be taken into account.
OK, over to you - teens AND parents! What drives you mad or causes
rows in your house? How well do you get on with your teens/parents?
Do you have a recipe for family harmony? Share your views on ÃÛÑ¿´«Ã½
Gloucestershire by filling in the form below.
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