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I am
a selfish old cow, and if you've read my parents'
story and Clair's
story you will probably agree, especially once you've also
read my experiences of being a natural child in a foster family.
But
I do want to be honest and I have to say that in trying to find
the positive aspects of the experience, I have at last realised
how I've been shaped by it. Taking in foster children is a wonderful
thing to do but I just want to explain how important it is to involve
the whole family.
I would have taken a lot more pleasure from the experience if
all the kids had developed for the better and lived happily
ever after, but that really only happens in films. |
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Katy
Lewis
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My
brother definitely got something positive from it. He has ended
up with a lovely wife, but I must start by saying that Clair has
been different. Sure, she has had her problems but over the years
she has really become one of the family with all that that entails.
As
she began to trust us, I watched Clair grow from a scared little
girl into a far more confident young woman and so for that, it has
to have all been worth it!
And
I think that's the key. Kids who are willing to trust others get
the most out of it.
I was
14 when my parents took in their first foster child. They have only
ever fostered teenagers and it was definitely much harder when I
was the same age as them than it is now.
But
I have to say that I would have taken a lot more pleasure from the
experience if all the kids had developed for the better and lived
happily ever after.
Sadly,
the majority of kids that have been placed with my parents have
suffered such rejection in their natural families that they are
scared to really try to become part of another family for fear of
it happening again. Therefore you constantly feel that you are just
banging your head against a brick wall.
I do
understand this and I also understand that some of the things they
did, the glue-sniffing, the drug taking and the running away were
a result of their experiences and a cry for help.
And
when family arrangements were cancelled at the last minute because
so and so needed to do something more than we did, they were merely
seeking the attention that they had never had.
But
knowing that attention seeking is a cry for help doesn't make it
any easier to deal with, especially when you are a teenager yourself.
When
I lived at home I was only ever given very sketchy details of why
a particular child couldn't live with their family. I only knew
that it was because of something bad. But I had absolutely no idea
of how to deal with them or their situations.
My
parents were always on courses that told them how to cope with this,
that or the other, but I can honestly say that no one ever talked
to me, to help me understand them better or advise me on how to
deal with certain situations.
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No one ever talked to me, to help me understand them better
or advise me on how to deal with certain situations. |
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Katy
Lewis
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As
a result, I had to deal with situations in the home that I had never
encountered before and that I feel I shouldn't have come across
at that age, and suddenly my formerly safe house seemed a bit scary.
I had
one particular bad experience and have never understood why the
child in question wasn't sent away. I assumed that it was thought
that because I had had a stable upbringing I could cope and that
it would have caused the foster child more damage if they were moved
again. And maybe the powers that be were right, so I put up and
shut up.
But
you can bet your life, if I'd done something to him he would have
been taken away from our family quick smart!
Eventually
I never really spoke about general things that worried me anymore
in everyday life because they seemed so trivial. Compared to the
dramatic problems that my foster brothers and sisters encountered
on a daily (sometimes hourly!) basis I felt guilty about having
my own problems so I just kept quiet and ended up not really interacting
with them much.
My
mum has said that she thought me and my brother gave them wonderful
support. I don't think I did!
But
I suppose that this has done me some good because I do tend to just
get on with things now and not make a drama out of triviality.
The
first one was definitely the worst! When I was the same age as my
foster siblings it was really hard. It seemed that Social Services
answer to all their problems was to throw money at a situation,
as if this somehow made up for them being in care.
They
had a clothes allowance and it appeared to me as a teenager that
they could have just about anything they wanted.
If
they were really expected to blend into normal family life, surely
they should have had to learn that they couldn't always have that
new pair of jeans or go on every school holiday. I couldn't.
I know
that this sounds really selfish but try to remember what that age
is like. Try telling your teenager that someone the same age as
you, living under the same roof could suddenly have that brand new
outfit when they've been saving for weeks from their paper round
for theirs.
And
then have that person flaunt said outfit or new stereo system in
front of you. What are you supposed to say? "Yes - very nice
I'm sure - but at least my mum's not an alcoholic!" In fact
I think I did say that once - in a fit of pique!
My
parents were even told off once! After proudly announcing to a Social
Worker that their latest foster child had saved up for a new bike
himself, they were told in no uncertain terms that Social Services
provided bikes and that it wasn't up to my parents to teach him
the value of money!
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I think that some sort of support group for natural children
or a system whereby we were more involved with the support team
would have made all the difference. |
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Katy
Lewis
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Since
I left home it has become much easier as I can just walk away when
it gets on my nerves. But I still get very angry when I see my parents,
now in retirement age, being given the run around by someone who
seems to be totally oblivious to and ungrateful for what they are
trying to to for them. And there's always some crisis happening!
I think
that some sort of support group for natural children or a system
whereby we were more involved with the support team would have made
all the difference. As Clair
has said, when she was put into care she suddenly had a whole support
network behind her. But I never saw them.
I understand
that now there is much more support available for natural children
and they are involved more - it just came too late for me.
So
what did I get out of it?
Well,
I am now rarely shocked by anything and usually take events that
some people see as the worst thing that has ever happened, in my
stride. I know that there is always someone who has a worse problem
than me so I just put my head down and get on with it.
It
prised me out of focussing on my cosy little family life and forced
me to look at the wider world and what other people sometimes have
to go through. I learnt that you cannot judge people from a safe
distance, you have to know their circumstances before commenting.
It's
made me realise why some people behave in certain ways but even
though I understand people more I still don't always tolerate them!
But
I think that understanding someone's point of view, even if you
don't agree with them is a valuable character trait that is important
to have if we are to allow people to be themselves and have the
courage of their convictions.
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If it has made a difference to just one person's life then it
has to have been worth it. |
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Katy
Lewis
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The
experience has also helped me to learn about people and be a better
judge of character.
Consequently
I feel I understand people's motives more and if I feel that they
warrant it I will tolerate them to the enth degree.
If
they are just trying it on I soon give them short shrift.
I
have also gained a very happy brother and a new sister. Clair says
that being in care saved her so how I can I possibly complain. If
it has made a difference to just one person's life then it has to
have been worth it.
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